Deep Denial

My mother in law called me yesterday to say she had read our O.B./G.Y.N (yes we go to the same one) had suddenly died. I cant recall how many times I said "What?" and "You're kidding" and "Are you sure it was the same guy?". All those psych classes were right - denial is the first step to accepting any loss.

We didn't hang out together or send each other Christmas gifts. But, he'd been my doctor for years and held my hand (metaphorically speaking) through four pregnancies, a couple of surgeries, three miscarriages, and a lot of stress. I just saw him last month.

No only was he my doctor and my mother-in-law's doctor but also my grandmother-in-law and my sister-in-law's doctor. He delivered the only two grand children in our family - so it stands to reason with all that connection to us he was more to us than, say, a dermatologist.

He wasn't old. He seemed very fit and healthy. Then he went home, went to sleep and never woke up.

I can't explain why I am so stunned....except this: he was a pretty formal "by the book" doctor and even though this is very absurd and even childish sounding...I just can't believe he would go off and die (as if he had a choice) before my sister-in-law and I were done having kids. At least not without referring us to someone?

It's very weird how our brains work. I feel terrible for his children of course..but also his patients.

It took so much drama, effort, grief...so many exams, ultrasounds, appointments, blood test, prescriptions, hospital stays and panicked 2 a.m. phone calls before we got Robbie. I feel like we climbed a mountain over the course of three years. At least we had the comfort that if were going to climb it again we'd have the same guide. But now we won't...and I'm seriously wondering if maybe I should just hang up my hiking boots and call it good.